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snakeyb44's Profile

171
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Reviews: 23
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Career Record

Comprehensive   2
Helpful   2
Funny   34
Unhelpful   10
Innaccurate   1
Bio: n/a

Location: n/a
Member Since: Jun 22nd, 2014
Last Online: Jul 1st, 2014
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Match.com

Match.com

http://match.com

Dating , Social Networks
Oh, you want to buy matches online?

Oh, you typed in the most logical URL possible?

Yeah. Effing. Right.

Lighters are for lazy people. If you're lazy, use match.com.

Also: use it if you want HPV.
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GrubHub

GrubHub

http://www.grubhub.com

Food , Shopping
Here's the thing.

Like a lot of people, I don't like...yknow...getting up and doing stuff. Especially if that stuff can be brought to me by strangers that I don't have to force conversation with. Because people are bad, and conversations with them are just worse.

So if I can get on my iPhone (or those other dumb phones people have) and order food to be brought to me from several different outlets, that's just a better option. And then I just write "don't look me in the eye" when the guy brings me the food, and I don't even have to worry about whether or not he has change for a twenty and like accidentally give me Canadian quarters like that one dude from Domino's, so it's pretty great.

Those things are literally worthless here.

That guy was an ass.

Definitely use this because lazy.
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OkCupid

OkCupid

http://www.okcupid.com

Dating , Social Networks
My big problem with this site is that people don't seem to "get" me.

Let's get down to brass tacks, here. I'm the kinda guy who digs moon bounces and taking selfies with my tarantula. His name is Mister Spikey and if you have a problem with that, you can go fuck yourself.

I'm sorry for the "mommy/daddy" language, but if you don't have any appreciation for someone one can keep track of a carnivorous arachnid without a tank, then there's a reason you're single.

My mom is right. I'm better than you. Go back to Oklahoma.
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LinkedIn

LinkedIn

http://www.linkedin.com

Career , Social Networks
I've seriously never even come close to getting a job from this site.

Do I blame that solely on my extreme un-hirability? No. That's not my fault, that's society's.

The only reason I'm even on there is because I don't want people to know I'm not working, so I kinda just fudge the finer details...mine says I'm CEO of Google. And I changed my name to "Steven Google" to make it way more believable.

I also don't like that people can see when I look at their pages because that totally defeats the purpose of social media.

In conclusion: only people who shouldn't be hired use this site. Get a job, hippy.
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Space.com

Space.com

http://www.space.com

Science , News
Space makes me realize how meaningless I am and fuck space.
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MovieTickets.com

MovieTickets.com

http://www.movietickets.com

Film & Television , Event Tickets
See also: Download movies for free unless your girlfriend is bitching at you about a stupid night out and you want to pay $30 for popcorn.

The Wolverine sucked.

Hugh Jackman's an asshole.
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io9

io9

http://www.io9.com

Professional Blogs , Technology
Honestly, I have no fucking clue what this site is.

Could I read the summary? Sure. But I'd just rather people pay attention to me.

I started a company with my dad and brother where we blow glass and and shape it into phallic shapes. I guess there's no phallic "shapes", it's just one shape.

The shape of a penis.

Most people would advise I delete this review and start again, but you're reading right now so...
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KAYAK

KAYAK

http://www.kayak.com

Travel , Shopping
I'm planning to take my family on a trip to Tampa Bay, Florida because honestly? I really hate my family.

Not because they're like..."bad" people. Just because they don't give me any time to do anything. Like, when I take my laptop into the bathroom, take a goddamn hint and give me ten minutes. Ten minutes is all I ask, where in reality: I only need four. Okay two.

Just leave me the hell alone.

Enjoy Florida, idiots.
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Variety

Variety

http://www.variety.com

Film & Television , News
If "Variety" had a section every week where they told you what famous people's favorite foods were, I'd absolutely subscribe to "Variety".

Tom Hanks seems like a real Salisbury steak kinda guy. I think it's the way he walks. He's got a real "savory yet satisfying" swagger to him.

Speaking of Forrest...Forrest Whitaker seems like the kinda guy who never ate carrots. Because of the eye thing. What is that? Are you looking at me, or are you looking at my girlfriend? Because if you're looking at my girlfriend, I'll beat the fuck out of you. Sorry for swearing, Forrest, but you're being extremely forward.

I know for a fact that Tom Cruise only eats Peeps.

Follow me on Twitter.
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BuzzFeed

BuzzFeed

http://buzzfeed.com

News , Entertainment
Have you ever made a grocery list and not bought everything because some things you wanted are full of awful calories that'll give you diabetes?

Don't become the Wilford Brimley of literature.

BuzzFeed is shit. Read a book, asshole.
123

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